on aggression

I learnt a lot about aggression from Mr C. He was skilful in his usage of it. At first it worked on me, but then I realised how cynically he manipulated his willingness to lose his temper. The aggressor knows what they’re doing. It is cause and effect. I intimidate you, and you will bend to my will.

I learnt a lot about aggression from N. In the early days, it was almost a game. N would tear down a poster in a bid to get me to fight back. For many moons, I resisted the temptation. But one day I broke. The minute I broke, I joined the game, I was doomed. My self-respect was trashed. The relationship had nowhere to go but down. I knew I would never allow myself to be like that again. The aggressor retains the power, no matter how much the non-aggressor tries to change their spots.

Aggressors do not listen, because they are fundamentally caught up in their own selfish drives. This does not mean to say they are cruel or unkind people. It means they are slaves to something powerful which works within their souls. Sometimes, they can shake that off. I don’t know how. People do change. I always hoped that in some way, no matter how flawed our relationship, I might have helped N to exorcise or live with her aggression.